How To Win At Ping Pong If You Stink – Lao Du

     I had just beaten a ping pong player who accused me of cheating 10 times in one game.  I told him that these malicious allegations were ridiculous – that I usually only cheat half as many times as he was charging.  And what he was saying was even more absurd, I told him, because the truth is I only cheat when I’m losing. 


     If you really wanna know, I used to have more success cheating when I played tennis.  On a tennis court, the opponent is light years away from you and the net will protect you when you call his ball out when it lands on the line. (If the guy is a big bruiser, you’ll have a few seconds head start to run away.)  In ping pong, on the other hand, when the ball hits the table you have to be a very nervy liar to call the shot “out”.  I mean I’ve done it (less than 5 times in a game, mind you), but it really has to be a low skimming shot to get away with that.  (And don’t say the ball was only an inch out.  With conviction, say it missed by a mile.)


     No, but it’s much easier just to cheat on the score.  If the opponent doesn’t announce the score after each point – i.e., he trusts you – than you’ll have an ample opportunity in taking him to the cleaners.  A couple of points added for you that way should give you your margin of victory for the match if the competition is close (has to be an integer of at least plus two from the correct score – four is best – otherwise you’ll really get the serve order screwed up and the opposing player is likely to call for an umpire … or a hit man).


      There are other sensible ways of violating the rules constructively, as well.  For example, if you return a serve into the net or bat it off the table, just tell the sucker on the other side of the table that it was a net ball.  What’s he gonna do, call you a cheat?  Just laugh at the doofus, and tell him what a sore loser he is.  Just don’t be defensive about it – that’s part of the positive mindset required to be  successful at doing this sort of stuff.


     One of my best methods at winning by hook or crook, is to call a let because of a distraction when you’re about to lose the point. This distraction could be a ball or a person moving nearby, or it could be based on a ball or person moving on Mars.  Just tell the guy you’re playing to replay the point, and if he’s fair-minded and honest (there are a few of these idiots around), he’ll succumb and consent – because it’s the right thing to do (remind him of this so that he can glorify in his rectitude). 


     If none of these methods I’ve outlined above work for you, then you’ll have to revert to one of my tried and true methods that are 100 % reliable.  Of course, this will mean a modest expenditure for either banana peels or ball bearings, either of which should be scattered on the floor of your opponent’s side of the table.  Lao Du

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